Today I did something absolutely hilarious at work. Before we begin let me first complain about the absolutely unbearable length of the day and revel in a moment or two of complete self pity.

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Okay. So today, work began at 10am. I rolled into Best Buy at 9:15 and the store opened 15 minutes later. Oh... so many things happened. And this twittering little Best Buy Guy (myself) was running to and fro nonstop for the entirety of the shift. It was Mad Friday or something, and it was not an isolated incident, the same thing happened at my other store, Michaels- only worse. But we'll get to that as it comes.

Best Buy was rampant with customers, the majority of which were absolute Scrooges. Did I neglect to mention the Scrooge customer? Let me put it simply. You cannot sell these people life insurance on their death beds. They are that stingy. It's beyond stingy. I offered these people free services.
"No."
I offered them free stuff! I offered them free money! I really did!
"No."

It is at this point that we'll define a rule for this blog. An experience enhancement for all of my faithful reader. (Note: Reader is not a typo. ^_^) The way this is going to work is that I will begin adding my secret, unspoken thoughts in this blog. Ooo... When this happens you'll read what happened- and then see a sentence or two in italics. These are my secret, unspoken thoughts. So for example: In the preceeding scene you what you would see would look something like this:

I offered them free stuff! I offered them free money! I really did!
"No."
What, are you stupid?

The day was crazy. Here's the point: Our store is placed in a "DISTRICT" zone with 15 other stores in the nearby area (the state basically, we're not too populated down here in podunk Missouri). Best Buy's corporate offices had the presence of mind to place all of these stores on a perpetually fluctuating ranking system so at any time, any employee can go to the computers and see how much we suck or rock in comparison to all the other stores in our 'district.' The reason this is important is because it makes the stores engage each other in a mass competition which normally improves sales quite a bit. Smart Best Buy corporate offices. I tell you to see the creativity these people have poured into their business it is no understatement ot declare them complete geniuses of economic and infrastructural management. Half the stuff these people use as basic policy is some of the most whacked up crap I've ever seen. And it works... brilliantly.

Incentives for winning the monthy 'competition' include: bragging rights, a warm fuzzy feeling inside, the store manager gets a bonus for that month, and the random promise of pizza by the department manager Chris Palis and Richard Winters (who of course takes the victory or loss quite personally.) I think there might have also been something that had to do with ducks... but I cannot recall. (No I'm serious, there was seriously something about ducks involved.)

Several days ago, I sold nine in-homes in one sale. This is significant for a number of reasons. First of all, because of margin. I learned quickly that employment at Best Buy is not so much unlike taking a basics business course at a college. Best Buy likes to keep the employee as aware of the big picture as possible. I assume this is for a number of reasons. Reasons like: the sense of company awareness gives the lowly sales associate an understanding that he or she is striving for a greater goal. It also gives a better understanding as to which products actually make profit and which ones do not (an understanding which will earn the company money... obviously), and finally, if you're good, being promoted to something where this knowledge is a prerequisite will cut down on the need to waste time training.

Margin and Revenue are two numbers the associates watch closely. (Two numbers that Richard watches with a frevency comparable to the way a dying man watches his EKG.) While revenue is the money we bring in total. Margin is the amount of money we get from what we brought in. Of course to put stuff on the store shelves we have to buy it first. Then we resell it. Best Buy buys wholesale in bulk, and retails it for a profit. Basic economic physics. So what we spent on it minus what we sold it for, equals our margin earnings, or profit. Revenue is really a useless magical number that is postulated under the impossible pretenses that everything that we sold to customers that day was free for us in the first place. Regardless, we sill watch it carefully.

Quick notes on things that earn margin in order of least to most:

1. Item Accessories
2. Performance Service Plans
3. In Store Setups
4. In-Home Setups

Believe it or not, we don't actually make that much money on computers that we sell. Sometimes we can even end up losing money as a store. Which I'm told and I'm prone to believe is very very very very BAD. So, to avoid that part of BAD, Best Buy offers services and setups that one: earn money atop the computer sale and two: are extremely useful (because we want them to sell obviously, might as well have something that the customer can use). Things like computers do not earn as much money because computers themselves are purty darn expensive and it's a competetive market. Writable CD's however? Not so expensive to get wholesale and earn a decent margin percentage. The same with printer ink cartidges, paper, and printer cables. Accessories like these are useful for the customer, and they make a nice addition to the package, and earn a but of margin atop that sale.

Performance service plans can either be heaven or hell for Best Buy depending on who's using it. The PSP makes Best Buy your technical support / repair shop for the computer you buy. So if you spend $250 on the PSP and use in the three years it convers only bring it in once to get a key fixed in your keyboard, then the PSP has done pretty well for Best Buy's margin. If you're a psycho who likes to take your laptop on canoe trips involving class 6 rapids and lots of unsupervised alchohol consumption then we more than likely will end up replacing your computer multiple times and will lose a buttload of money. It's very give or take.

In store setups are simply, normally run $150 and will make your new computer run like magic. I cold preach the in store setup all day long by now but I've already got a huge blog going here. Basically in store setups are one time full optimization procedures that we can do for the you when you buy. They're very useful and give you a much nicer computer in the end than the one you picked up off the shelf. Plus Antivirus, plus AntiSpyware. Good stuff. These things are great for margin because we didn't have to purchase the in store setup beforehand from a wholesaler. This is just labor. Useful still, but crazy good for the store's welfare.

In-HOME setups are the gods of margin. And well worth it, depending upon your needs. An in-home setup is almost the same as an in store, except we have our Geek Squad drive out to your house and do it there, as well as set it up with your internet, your network, your office space- etc. And numerous other little things. It's also a lot of fun because they're car is just plain cool and good for impressing the nieghbors (geniuses... pure genius). These will normally be about a hundred dollars more than in-store. Almost pure margin.

So selling one with a computer system will allow the store to earn some kickback with the twenty dollars they made or lost on the computer package the customer just bought. They take some of the weight off of the system itself by adding money. Per sale, Margin is calculated as a percentage. The registers at Best Buy calculate the amount of money that was actual product, and the amount of the sale that was services and profit. That percentage beyond basic wholesale to retail profit is the Gross Margin Percent, GMP. Very important because this is one of the most primary ways the winner of the monthy competition is calculated. The way this works is if you sell an eight hundred dollar computer and a service plan, the GMP for that sale will be smaller than the same service plan on a three hundred dollar computer. If a service plan is $200, then your margin for the thousand dollar computer is $200 out of a $1000 sale. About 20%. On the 500 dollar system it would be $200 / $500 or so, making the percentage rise to about 40. Better margin.

Now before we go any farther here, I've got to allocate space to explain that this does not mean selling the cheaper model with the service plan is automatically better for the company. (Note: If you're tired of reading this tripe and want to get on to something more interesting, just scroll down to the big orange letters that say "OKAY, NOW FOR THE INTERESTING PART." -->The reason I'm writing this much about it is because I feel good explaining these things to myself and later if I forget I can reference them. Plus, a background knowledge on Best Buy's operations will make the reader more aware for in the future when I become manager and this stuff becomes relevant. (Shrug)) The reason a cheaper computer with a service plan is not necessarily better is because a cheaper computer is normally cheaper because one or more of the following:

1. It's a piece of crap.
2. It's a closeout model that is normally higher priced and is on sale now so we are rid of it.
3. There are ten billion instant rebates on it.

If the computer is cheap for all three reasons, Best Buy is LOSING SIGNIFICANT MONEY when the computer is actually sold at that price. It's bad when its one. Terrible when two, and absolutely horrendous for everyone when its all three. So attaching a $200 service plan to a computer that we're losing $150 dollars on only makes us $50 dollars- for the entire computer. But selling the same plan on an eight hundred dollar system with no rebates at a marginally profitable price for us in the first place will produce 200 dollars. This is why Margin is not the only number we watch carefully, and is not the only number used to calculate the monthly winner.

Short story long: That nine in one I sold a few days ago? Shoved our department to number one in the district, AND number one in the territory (bigger denomination than district, about 70 stores I think...) and the entire store moved to 12th in the nation (about 700 stores) Which is phenomenal. Richard is preaching pizza. If we can hold the spot till the end of the month it makes us the winner! YAY!!!

OKAY, NOW FOR THE INTERESTING PART:

Wow that thing is an eyesore... Anyway, the point of all of that is that today I sold two in homes out of the air. Which means there was no computer remotely involved. I just sold it to this poor woman buying a printer and a monitor. The day had been so unproductive... like I said, Scrooges. Two million customers, none of them want anything useful. This woman saved me... and it was so weird...

Now- because I'm still the new guy I still am not entirely sure how to ring everything up or what papework is required for sales like this one and come to find out: THERE IS NO SUCH PROCEDURE for the nonsense that I had cooked up. What happened was this woman wanted to buy a computer, we're talking about it and come to find out she has a perfectly capable computer at home, just her monitor and her printer went out. So we look at monitors, I get her into a 19" flat panel with built in speakers. Very nice. We look at printers- I get her an all in one printer scanner copier from Canon, the MP150. Also very nice. I then tell her that if she doesn't want the hassle of getting everything put together and running compatibility with her current machine and dealing with wires and setting up the resolution and (blah blah blah) that we can have the Geek Squad come out to her house and set everything up for her. We talk about that for a while, she comes to the idea and we seal the deal. Grab some ink for the printer, and some paper, and a cable for the printer and off we go. I get to the register expecting we'd just run the sale as everything she had, plus two in home add-ons (software or hardware installation beyond the basic in home setup). Come to find out: the computer requires a computer in-home setup to then put in an add on. Oh... no but you don't understand. She wants the in home. Make this work.

So of course we don't let the poor woman know that something is at all amiss, I just have her fill out her name and personal information on several random sheets of official-looking paper several times assuring her that it's just a part of the procedure for the in-homes while I run around from manager to manager and getting the strangest looks ever trying to make this deal work. Clever that... Anyway, eventually we get to Debbie who is department manager or something or other big shot like that and she's like... "Umm, you said what?" Debbie's a smart gal, she instantly recognized the potential in the sale here and the understanding that the customer wanted it made it essential that we get her what she wants. So she goes to the guy who would actually be driving out to the woman's house and asks him about it.

When he's done laughing, she comes back, shrugs, and tells me to run it through as a wireless network set up ($159) for both of them together and stamp it with a post it note that explains the situation for our Geek. So I do. And that is exactly what happened. Everyone was happy. The woman got what she wanted and I generated $159 of pure margin on two items technically considered profit generating accessories anyway plus ink, paper, and printer cable. Our numbers bounced up again and locked in place. There are about four days left in the month cycle and our spot is nearly guaranteed. Why? Because I STILL do not know what I'm doing... I love it. I can see the headline: "Idiot New Guy Mistakenly Saves Company! Profits Soar!"

After work at Best Buy I went to work at Michaels where I mostly ran a register all night, there were two million people in the store for some God-forsaken reason. I was so tired at the end of it... Basically that's all that happened there though. The really entertaining part of this day happened after work, at Hardees.

Directly after getting off the clock at Michael's I went home and showered, changed, and made a point of feeling a lot better about myself. Then I packed up the laptop and headed of to Hardees for my usual multi-hour interlude before a new day comes and I return to the rat race. I got there around ten forty five PM to find a ton of cars in the parking lot. Okay... freaking why? What is this? Universal go to places and spend money day?

I go inside and there is this line winding around filled to the brim with this gang of sorts. Ghetto crew. Lots of big coats even though its 79 degrees outside, lots of bling bling, lots of dreadlocks, and lots of bad teeth. There is a terrific commotion taking place. Carze looks up from behind the counter with this "Oh no, not another one." Look on his face, the same face I'd been wearing the majority of the night at Michaels, and his face breaks with relief when he sees me.
"Hey! Hows it going man?"
"Looks like you've got quite a crowd here."
"Yeah 'do. Sure 'do. It's prolly gonna... be awhile."
Things were going crazy in that kitchen back there...

Some guy turns from the back of the line and says, "Dude done ran outta fries, dog." Translation: This fine establishment is running low on french fries, also knows as 'chips.' Then he takes a second look at me. "Dude... who is you?" Which I naturally regarded as a mildly unnatural question for this particular setting. I gave him my name. Nothing much really came of it... as far as I know. The following events however may have related.

I soon learned that MSSU, the local college, and Hardees restaurants have teamed up in the local area to provide an absolutely profit annihilating opportunity for the students who attend. Free drink and fries with any sandwich. Freaking crazy. So there's a massive amount of 'homies' all lined up to recieve the discount and are they ever making an ordeal of thing. I go ahead and get in line, plenty hungry. And wait patiently as the line tenderly trickles forward. Not long after, another crowd of people come in that the ghetto crew in front of me apparently know well probably due to equal affiliation with MSSU and wouldn't you know the first thing out of everyone's mouths is that the f'ing store is f'ing out of f'ing french fries, dog.
Translation: Dude, that was some freaking sweet vocabulary there.
Really? You think so? I have been working on it...
Totally, freaking sweet.
No, you mean F'ing sweet.
Oh yeah... duh.

More bling bling, more tall black guys in big coats and too much hair... or no hair... either way- they collect behind me and beside me and basically completely destroy any presentable imitation of a line that might have existed before and perform handshakes and exchange rap dances as is customary and then they settled down a bit.

Here's the stupid part: There is this girl in the crowd that came in behind me and she's like- "Hey, do you live here?" What are you people? My secret fan club? What's with the freaky questions? "Yeah."
"Oh. Cool. Do you go to school around here?"
"I graduated from Webb City." Did I just admit that? Oh God... strike me down...
"Oh."

Tall black guy standing next to her glances from her to me and does this- "Oh oohh!! OH! Uh OH!" And starts bouncing on his hips like some rapper's do and waving his hands and laughing. "Trisha's on it! She on it!"
Trisha? No... No I don't know you.
"Gonna get a little one night stand here now!" He laughs.
I'm taken aback. WAY. "Yeah... not interested." I'll be sure to look you up though if I ever want a incurable STD.
He's quiet for a bit, and his eyes go from me to her real quick then back to me, incredulous. 'Wh- now, what you think she's kidding?"
And who the hell are you? Her pimp? "My girlfriend probably wouldn't appreciate it." I smiled.
"Aww.... c'mon," He leans in and nudges me. "What yo girlfriend don' know ain't gonna hurt her!"
"Oh? Who's the dirty liar that told you that?" Dickhead.
"What?"
"Who's the dirty liar that told you that?"
He just looked at me.
"No."
He shrugged. "Aw'right man, I respect dat, I do." He holds out his hand to give me the ghetto snap shake thing... I take it and we do the ghetto snap shake and nothing more is said of the poor girl.

Chris, one of the guys who works in the back of Hardees tossed me a cup, knowing that I'd be getting a meal, and I filled it with something caffeinated and sat down. I began to write.

A while later the crowd left and I returned for food. Carze and Chris gave me the discount the college students got, just for no reason, and upgraded the whole thing to a large. So basically I ate a lot tonight. Whew... it's been a long day.

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Why did I just write all that? I can feel the sun coming up... what time is it? Wow... 5:43. Better get down the block, post this, and get to bed.

I miss you Jess... talk to you soon.